i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
