so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
