Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
