Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
