you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
