yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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