I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he thought i was a dude.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Terrible idea I love it
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
