I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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