She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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