tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
