And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
