I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
