someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
