Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
