why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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