I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
