I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
