a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm both gender and math confused
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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