i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
time to smoke my breakfast
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
