you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just high enough for therapy.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
