My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
