Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
