Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
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She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
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If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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