a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
im holly from the hills drunk
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
