ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
