if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
