i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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