Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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