so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
