I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
