We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I came so hard my ears popped.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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