There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
