at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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