Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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