If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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