I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
