My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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