i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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