we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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