Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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