Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
