the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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