Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
