broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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