i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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