I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
