he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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