Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
bring money and cleavage
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
