hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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