I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
