I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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