the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
