Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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