His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
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Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
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Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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