Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
