I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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