I wish I only lived at night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm getting married
To pizza
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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