I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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