I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
