hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
