Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
