We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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