My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
did i walk over a car last night?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
