So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize