I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
