A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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